never settle

I was too drunk to fuck
toothpicks swirling my eyeballs
we spooned on the couch
watching Natural Born Killers
the seventeen inch t.v. bouncing
atop the dead glazed eye console
I knew Julie wanted to fuck
the Hollywoodized stage blood
and staged mayhem getting
her wet and affectionate
I knew it would end badly
I hurt her, but not with purpose
I might have tried putting
too many fingers into her too soon
fumbling in the darkened room
the too small bed and the
ceiling fan pedaling the stale air
I don’t remember much more
three years passed before we
spoke again – a midnight call
from Las Vegas – the final
destination of a journey that
began in Chicago, stalled in
Ocala, Florida and died in Sin City
choked conversation and tears
she never settled and I never
ranged far from my birthplace
Julie called collect, desperate
no employment opportunities
of the clothed variety, little money
her bus arrived at 4:50, Thursday
5:30, Thursday, I’m still at the bar
recounting our history to
whoever will listen – her parting
words – I can never settle –
meaning she could never settle for me
and nothing ever changes
except momentary circumstance
on the way home I detour past the
greyhound bus station
the blonde seated expectantly
at the grimy window could be Julie
distance makes us all strangers
could be Julie, could be anyone
I know who she is, I know
she’s got no where else to go
I never had anywhere to go
until now